I’m not a frequent flyer. Sometimes I forget the rules. As I approached the security checkpoint, I removed all items from my pockets, placed my carry-on items into a bin which I left on the conveyor belt, then waited my turn in line. When the Transportation Security Administration agent called me forward, I stood on the designated foot outlines and struck my pose, hands above my head, inside the imaging portal. The electromagnetic waves detected a potential threat.

“Ma’am,” the TSA officer addressed me, “I need you to see what we see on the screen.” She pointed to the digital image and a non-descript mass on my lower abdomen. “I’m going to have to pat you down. Would you prefer a private screening?” She gestured to a partitioned screening area.
“No, this is fine,” I responded, having never received an authoritative pat-down in my life.
She advised me of the procedure and then traced a gloved hand up each inner thigh ending quite intimately into my groin.
I exhaled a squeal of exaggerated delight, due I suppose, to not knowing what else to say or perhaps attempting to defuse the awkward situation or maybe just trying to be funny.
She stifled a laugh as she held up her gloved hand. “Now I’m going to search the inside of your waistband,” and she proceeded with two fingers around my entire perimeter to find nothing.
“Whew! That’s the most lovin’ I’ve had in a while,” I said—fully acting, feeling on a roll.
My intuition told me the officer secretly appreciated my attempt to make light of the situation that most despise, or maybe it was her hand over her mouth concealing her laugh and smile. “Ma’am…”
I don’t remember her exact words, but I felt a slight admonishment for joking about airport security. I realized a little too late that the TEA is serious. More serious than me. And I appreciate the extra security measures. I really do. But sometimes I forget the rules.
***
As I walked away from my near incarceration somewhat perplexed, another realization dawned. My jeans, when I bought them, sold me with the phrase “miracle tummy tuck control.” My jeans, made with built-in flattening power, had transformed not only my tummy, but me—from the most non-threatening person on earth into a potential security risk. Note to self: Wear something else on my return and all subsequent flights. Note to the ladies: beware of body shaping garments. (You’re welcome!)

I worked airport security for a about a year and a half for Conoco Phillips I love this writing.💜
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Dona, 😂 Thank you! Your words mean more than you know!! I hope you’re able to come to our reunion! I would love to see you! I think we’re going to bowl on that Saturday.
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Lol good to know!
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I like to be helpful!
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Thank you for making me laugh out loud this morning. 🙂
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My pleasure! It happened at the end of June, and I’m still laughing.
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Cute little story and I am sure of all the reactions you could have made, yours had humour.
The situation is actual fodder for a post, people acting in service positions in security, driver testers, income tax, banks, hospitals (the list is endless) – all deal with the public. Some public are sweet, flexible, others are self-centered, grumpy and so on.
We learned the Golden Rule as youngsters, hopefully and that is to treat others as we would hope to be treated. I know getting a ticket, failing a test, going through an audit etc are all stressful but these are people only doing their job and it has a purpose… I know those situations like long waits are frustrating but in all likelihood, it is 100 times more so for the person we deal with, because this could be their daily frustration (and it isn’t yours) and beyond their control.
You’re story telling ability would be perfect for a post like this and very memorable.
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Thanks for visiting, Dave! My mother taught me that Golden Rule with her example, and it stuck.
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Omg 🤣🤣🤣 you handled that like a pro…..and lol, those jeans 😏
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And the sad thing is—those jeans are my most comfortable pair, perfect for travel! 😂
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🤣🤣🛬🤣
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OMG LMAO (Still LMAO….Not done…Still LMAO).
That is a great story! (Still LMAO).
(still LMAO)…
(Still). LOL
This is the greatest story I’ve read in a really super long time! (sigh…hiccough).
I am super so grateful for this story. I feel so much lighter for reading it…I felt my self walking through that process with you, and I probably would have done the same thing as you did…and after just hopped on that plane and chilled while I was flown to my destination.
Ah, Man…(chuckle)…what a great great story.
Peace and great joy to you.
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You know those funny stories you tell that end with, “I guess you had to be there.” I’m just happy this wasn’t one of those. Thanks for the smile and the HUGE support, Ian!!
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That’s a riot! I’ve been ‘wanded’ before but never personally touched. Will remember the tummy control pants warning, thank you.
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Yowza! I was touched! 😂 You’re welcome!
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Thank you for that. Big smile.
B
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You’re welcome!! 😄
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Some security people can take a joke and others can not. I recall an early morning business flight when I was asked if I wanted the X-ray scan or the pat down. I flippantly replied, Oh, I’ll have the full body massage, please. Let us just say this guy was rough. Lesson learned.
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I can only imagine the stories the security officers have to tell. I think I got lucky.
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Omg that was so awesome how you handled that … lol
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Thank you! I might’ve embarrassed my family. 😂
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Hahaha nah!!! I love your personality 🙂
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It’s awesome to be appreciated! 😉
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Your welcome🙂
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“Whew! That’s the most lovin’ I’ve had in a while”… made me laugh out loud! It’s a very good thing I didn’t have that strawberry Powerade Zero in my mouth or I would have painted the wall of this apartment. Great post!
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I don’t even know what possessed me to say that to the lady/agent. You know how the most random things can fly out of your mouth or even your fingers? Somehow I think you do. 😂 Thanks for the morning laugh!
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Don’t forget sinuses and other orifices (orificii?)!
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😂
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Hee hee ! Your description made me belly laugh, too! 🤪
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I’m happy it resonates! I have to believe the security officer went home and told story that day…but she’ll never know the truth of my “miracle tummy tuck control” jeans or how many people are now witnesses.
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Haha 😄😂 crystal, it is funny…
Really make me laugh 😁
That jeans😆😆
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I’ll never be able to wear those jeans again without remembering that time! 😂
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Yeah, that’s true 😁😁😂
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Oh my! I love how you played along. I’m sure you gave this TSA officer a giggle and a story to share! 😊
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I still would love to tell her about the jeans. TSA needs to know. 😂
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Agreed!
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Oh wow good to know. 🙂 🙂 Will bear that in mind.
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Right? Thanks for reading and following and stopping to visit!!
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This is hilarious
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Thank you. Thank you very much. [*conjuring inner Elvis]
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Funny… and good to know
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😂 Thank you, Luisa! I should probably write a letter to TSA.
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😀💛💛💛
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HA! Yes. I’m damn-near naked when I fly. I try to wear a sundress and flip-flops, keeping it simple lol. Also, I was once stopped because they said they had to check my afro, of all things. I later found out this is slightly illegal, but a thing for people who have big poofy, curly hair
Anywho, I digress. This was funny.
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Thanks, Kathy! Geez, I feel violated for you, and I’ll remember your dress code next time I fly.
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Funny, Crystal. I also tend to make light of uncomfortable situations. I have to remember not to use my “miracle tummy tuck control” underwear 🙂
Thanks for the follow.
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My pleasure! I want to believe that most shape wear wouldn’t be an issue. By the way, I looked for my jeans online, and the company has mysteriously disappeared. 🤷♀️
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So cool 🙂 ur a dope flier
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😂 Thanks so much! Next time I’ll be super prepared!
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follow my blog if your like
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Following! 😄
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😁
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I forgot
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You’re hilarious 😂
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Well, thank you, Mathew! Most of the time it’s just me cracking myself up, so it’s great to have an audience! 😂
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