“Security!”

Peace 2 Minutes

I’m not a frequent flyer. Sometimes I forget the rules. As I approached the security checkpoint, I removed all items from my pockets, placed my carry-on items into a bin which I left on the conveyor belt, then waited my turn in line. When the Transportation Security Administration agent called me forward, I stood on the designated foot outlines and struck my pose, hands above my head, inside the imaging portal. The electromagnetic waves detected a potential threat.

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“Ma’am,” the TSA officer addressed me, “I need you to see what we see on the screen.” She pointed to the digital image and a non-descript mass on my lower abdomen. “I’m going to have to pat you down. Would you prefer a private screening?” She gestured to a partitioned screening area.

“No, this is fine,” I responded, having never received an authoritative pat-down in my life.

She advised me of the procedure and then traced a gloved hand up each inner thigh ending quite intimately into my groin.

I exhaled a squeal of exaggerated delight, due I suppose, to not knowing what else to say or perhaps attempting to defuse the awkward situation or maybe just trying to be funny.

She held back her laugh as she held up her gloved hand. “Now I’m going to search the inside of your waistband,” and she proceeded with two fingers around my entire perimeter to find nothing.

“Whew! That’s the most lovin’ I’ve had in a while,” I said—fully acting, feeling on a roll.

My intuition told me the officer secretly appreciated my attempt to make light of the situation that most despise, or maybe it was her hand over her mouth concealing her laugh and smile. “Ma’am…”

I don’t remember her exact words, but I felt a slight admonishment for joking about airport security. I realized a little too late that the TEA is serious. More serious than me. And I appreciate the extra security measures. I really do. But sometimes I forget the rules.

***

As I walked away from my near incarceration somewhat perplexed, another realization dawned. My jeans, when I bought them, sold me with the phrase “miracle tummy tuck control.” My jeans, made with built-in flattening power, had transformed not only my tummy, but me—from the most non-threatening person on earth into a potential security risk. Note to self: Wear something else on my return and all subsequent flights. Note to the ladies: beware of body shaping garments. (You’re welcome!)

Body shapers secure fat, right?



Published by Crystal Byers

When I was young, my dad would always say, "Crystal, you can choose your attitude." One day I chose to believe him.

Published

53 thoughts on ““Security!””

  4. Cute little story and I am sure of all the reactions you could have made, yours had humour.
    The situation is actual fodder for a post, people acting in service positions in security, driver testers, income tax, banks, hospitals (the list is endless) – all deal with the public. Some public are sweet, flexible, others are self-centered, grumpy and so on.
    We learned the Golden Rule as youngsters, hopefully and that is to treat others as we would hope to be treated. I know getting a ticket, failing a test, going through an audit etc are all stressful but these are people only doing their job and it has a purpose… I know those situations like long waits are frustrating but in all likelihood, it is 100 times more so for the person we deal with, because this could be their daily frustration (and it isn’t yours) and beyond their control.
    You’re story telling ability would be perfect for a post like this and very memorable.

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  6. OMG LMAO (Still LMAO….Not done…Still LMAO).

    That is a great story! (Still LMAO).

    (still LMAO)…

    (Still). LOL

    This is the greatest story I’ve read in a really super long time! (sigh…hiccough).

    I am super so grateful for this story. I feel so much lighter for reading it…I felt my self walking through that process with you, and I probably would have done the same thing as you did…and after just hopped on that plane and chilled while I was flown to my destination.

    Ah, Man…(chuckle)…what a great great story.

    Peace and great joy to you.

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  9. Some security people can take a joke and others can not. I recall an early morning business flight when I was asked if I wanted the X-ray scan or the pat down. I flippantly replied, Oh, I’ll have the full body massage, please. Let us just say this guy was rough. Lesson learned.

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  11. “Whew! That’s the most lovin’ I’ve had in a while”… made me laugh out loud! It’s a very good thing I didn’t have that strawberry Powerade Zero in my mouth or I would have painted the wall of this apartment. Great post!

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    1. I don’t even know what possessed me to say that to the lady/agent. You know how the most random things can fly out of your mouth or even your fingers? Somehow I think you do. 😂 Thanks for the morning laugh!

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    1. I’m happy it resonates! I have to believe the security officer went home and told story that day…but she’ll never know the truth of my “miracle tummy tuck control” jeans or how many people are now witnesses.

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  18. HA! Yes. I’m damn-near naked when I fly. I try to wear a sundress and flip-flops, keeping it simple lol. Also, I was once stopped because they said they had to check my afro, of all things. I later found out this is slightly illegal, but a thing for people who have big poofy, curly hair :-/

    Anywho, I digress. This was funny.

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